Wow! It’s already been 2 months… I remember the first time I met Carol! It was at Victory Weekend. I remember going and saying hi to her… She looked so lost and bewildered… I felt bad, like I had come on too strong but now I realise that was just Carol being Carol (constantly jetlagged)… Since then I can honestly say we’ve come a long way. She had been able to put a couple of words together to form sentences… LOL!
Seriously though. It funny how God brings certain people in and out of our lives so unexpectedly who bless you! Carol is one of these people! She is so naïve (in a good way), cheerful, honest and a really fun person to be around! I’m glad I got to know her! I hope though as she goes back to England she won’t forget us… All the new friends she has made and all the things she learnt! In any case if I miss her too much all I have to do is get on the phone and sing for her… (hehehe)(inside joke)
Carol thank you for coming thru!!! May God bless you in all you do!!! You are a truly special lady!
Well… I’m sure most of you have watched the movie Fight Club… For those that haven’t, in a nutshell, it is a long convoluted movie about a dude with two personalities, staring Edward Norton as Tyler and Brad Pitt as… Tyler (hehe). For conversation’s sake, we’ll call Brad’s character Tyler and we’ll call Edward Norton’s character simply, Ed….
In my personal life movie, Dee is Tyler and Ndumiso is Ed. Tyler represents the fun and the exciting side that Ed lacks. Ed hopes for something to happen in his life to make it worth living, even accidents and catastrophes so that his life has more meaning. He is lost in the world of superficial beliefs and expectations from life. Ed goes to many different support group meetings for many different ailments for a sense of family. It is only in the presence of people who suffer that he feel that he belongs. His life is full of material goods that he uses to express himself but even this is not enough. “You buy furniture.You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life.Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you're satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you've got your sofa issue handled.Then the right set of dishes.Then the perfect bed.The drapes.The rug.Then you're trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.” After his apartment with all his worldly possessions catches fire then everything he has ever known burns.
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy s*** we don’t need. We are the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no great war (in our generation), no great depression... Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that one day we will all millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won’t. We are slowly learning that fact. And we are very, very pissed off!”
Tyler fully takes over the life of Ed. “It’s only when we’ve lost everything that we are free to do anything.” And Tyler is freed and let loose on to the world.
What is so special about Tyler? Well he represents all that Ed had ever wanted to be… All he aspires to be, all he perceives a man to be is all in Tyler, fast cars, faster women, money, untameable, rebellious, a serious bad boy and ultimately a free spirit with nothing holding him down (truly wild at heart). Tyler expresses himself in anger, lust, recklessness and bitterness. “It used to be enough that when I came home angry and knowing that my life wasn't toeing my five-year plan, I could clean my condominium or detail my car.Someday I'd be dead without a scar and there would be a really nice condo and car.”
Ed and Tyler are polar opposites. But they share the same body… Huh? When Dee did his own thing, it was an outer body experience for Ndu. I’d do things and only realise later the extent of the things I had done… Wow… How weird hey! It was like watching a total stranger doing something. You have no connection what so ever. I even had my own Marla, who was in my life story. But that is another blog which I honestly don’t think I’ll ever write. Sorry! But if she ever reads all I have to say to her is (I’m gonna have to steal yet another quote from the movie, actually the last line of the movie). “You met me in a very strange time of my life!”
Anarchy rules where there are no rules and that was the life of Dee and Ndu. Ndu was never strong enough to overcome the sweet and recklessly adventurous life that every man yearns for that every man needs which Dee offered. But as you watch the movie, you realised that the world Tyler/Dee offered is nothing but a trap. “Nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered.” Soon you become a slave to your known need for self gratification. And your own plans end up being self destructive. If you let Tyler take over your life he will take over everything. You will eventually lose you true identity. “Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth…. and I used to be such a nice guy.” Eventually these two characters start to blend and become one, they would have been lost in each other. One had to die for the other to survive? Who would you kill? Tyler or Ed? So why Fight Club? Of all the movies of sick twisted people who think they have dual personalities why this one? And also with all those other introspective movies that truly tackle internal conflict within people what is so special about this one? After that build up you’d expect some really cool answer… Well the truth is this movie represents the internal conflict in me. The constant fight within me, of such a twisted and dark nature, that this movie, as harsh as it may be in some scenes, really reflects and outlines me!
The origins of this guy that was known as Dee are quite mysterious. Some say he was always there in me, just in hiding. But I remember when things started to change for me. I remember when the way I started to think shifted. I call that time ‘the turning from innocence’. This is when I was a younger lad and came into a foreign nation. I can’t blame this nation though for this change in such an innocent boy. Rather it was the enemy’s perfect time to catch the fish out of water. I was already a wild one before I came to Australia but it was when I felt that surge of freedom, that boundary less outback of my heart calling me. That is when something stirred up in me. I set forth to create and mould, by my own strength, myself into the person I thought would best flourish in a world that had no rules and required no accountability. From this Dee was born.
Dee was the side of me that I guess I had always wanted to be growing up. The wild one that all the boys wanted to be around and the girls couldn’t get enough of… That was the plan. As time went on I got what I wanted. But that wasn’t enough I started engaging in more and more destructive behaviour that was more than just immoral but even illegal. (I won’t go into details because I don’t want anything in writing that I can incriminate myself with! LOL!!!) Basically like everything else of the world it goes bad, decays and ends up valueless. That was me inside. God had had enough of my disobedience and things in MY world started to crash around me. My world that I had created was not strong enough to hold the burdens of the world as well as the burdens and shortcomings of my soul. It couldn’t give me the security I needed, the comforting love I longed for and the strength that I so desperately wanted. I simply wasn’t strong enough… I had to run, run far and run hard!
I ended up applying for my transfer from Warrnambool to Melbourne lying to my then girlfriend saying that I wanted to move so that I could be closer to my sister when she came to Australia and for my course and stuff, just to justify me having to leave her. These reasons were/are also valid reasons for my move but the real deal is that I needed to get away, run away from the snares I’d set up for myself. God was giving me a way out of that life and I was gonna use it without hesitation. I needed to e-vac so also ran away from Australia. I went home. Home is always a good place to get back into your old shoes. I was able to start picking up my pieces in my life that were misplaced or broken obviously with only the help of God. God gave me a second chance.
God sentenced Dee to death. Locked him up and put him on Death Row… Every now and then I hear him screaming from his cell. And to be honest there are parts of me that miss him. I know though every day that passes and that execution date draws nearer his shouts become fainter and fainter as he loses hope of escape. (the dude has tried some prison break stunts but God the Guard and Keeper of my soul has caught him every single time)(Come thru) This is my personal confession. Dee must die!
Welcome to my transitional site... Transitional? You might ask. Well Champs, the truth is that this is all about me.... LOL! No, this to me is an opportunity to catch the transition on record. This is my opportunity to see the exit of the guy formally known as Dee and the transition to the man i was born to be... Ndumiso. So when you see coming soon as the title of my first blog, please do not be confused. Understand that Ndumiso is coming soon and the guy that people once knew as Dee is now taking his place in the most recent chapter of my history book.
So i invite y'all to come join me in the journey through my mind, deep in my soul, with my left turns and consequent right turns. My insights, my contradictions, my confusions, my inspirations, my journey. Welcome this all exclusive look at the world of Ndu.... COMING SOON....
